I have many journals – most of them online blogs. There are however, several physical journals I’ve used over the years to catalogue my thoughts and feelings.
One such journal has been in the trunk of my car. Tonight, I felt like taking it out and jotting down something in it. I hadn’t opened this journal in probably 8 months or more.
I turned to the first page and there, to my shock, is a reference to something Eric Pepin discusses throughout his literature. It’s a phrase I don’t use, as it comes off as “Star Wars” and I don’t like speaking in cinematic language.
The word is Darkside.
Here’s what I wrote:
“Day 1 Aug 5, 2016
Wrestling with Darkside. Someone asked for money yesterday. I gave, but dark nature desired to look down upon them & I can’t be like this…”
The journal entry continues to discuss my use of banishing the darkside using various spiritual help.
Maybe I should rethink Eric Pepin’s views on the Darkside. I didn’t like how he presented it, and I’ve criticized it in a review on one of his lectures. In reading my past journal entry, I remember what I was feeling that day. In fact, it wasn’t just one day, it was over many months – I felt alone. I felt disengaged from life… frustrated and depressed. There was a homeless person and I beat myself up over my internal thoughts about them. I gave them some cash, but my own internal thoughts vexed me and I blamed myself.
At that time I felt I was a failure in many regards.
These feelings are nothing new. The “Darkside” I was fighting in those pages, was my depression and the words “Darkside” was a new term to use. I used it a year and a month before I discovered the writings of Eric Pepin. Prior to that journal, I never used the term as it sounded like a Star Wars reference.