If Evangelicals were Honest

By Brian Warner

If Evangelicals were Honest

What if evangelical Christians were honest when they converted people?  I ask, because the message of Christian conversion is a far cry from the political and judgemental attitudes they radiate at every other moment.  

What follows is a dialogue that would take place if an Evangelical Christian was entirely honest with the message they preach (removing all hidden premises and psychological tricks.)

 

EVANGELICAL (E.): “Hi there guy, do you know Jesus as your personal savior?”

 

Person (P.): “Actually I know very little of Jesus, other than what I saw on the History channel.  Can you tell me more about him?”

 

E.: “Certainly! Jesus represents the love of God.  It is by his sacrifice that you have your sins forgiven (John 3:16).  Isn’t that great! Just by accepting Jesus you won’t go to hell….”

 

P.: “So your religion is all about love? What else did Jesus teach?”

 

E.: “So many good things Jesus taught.  He taught us not to get caught up in the world.  He said to not store our treasures in the physical world, as the greater reality of heaven far surpases the riches of this world (Mat. 6:19-20).  He also taught that we should feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, invite the stranger in, give resources to the sick and ill, and even minister to those in prison (Mat. 25:35-46).  Jesus also taught us to love our enemies and to pray for those that want to harm us (Mat. 6:27-36). The path of Jesus was one of peace, he even chastised one of his followers for raising a sword (Mat. 26:52).  We were instructed not to judge others (Mat. 7:5). But most of all Jesus taught us that this isn’t our kingdom, that the real kingdom is heaven (John 18:36).”

 

P.: “Wow, that’s beautiful.  Basically not living for the world, focusing on the spiritual and caring about everyone.  Like love without borders!”

 

E.: “Hold on there a minute.  Let’s not get carried away. We do have national borders you know.  We can’t just have any Tom, Dick and Juan crossing into our lands unvetted.  You know they bring drugs, rapists and crime… some are good, I suppose…”

 

P.: “But I thought you just said Jesus wasn’t caught up in the world’s affairs and was focused on people….”

 

E.: “Yes, but I didn’t tell you the other side of the coin.  Being an evangelical is a very special thing. We get two fountains to drink from, so to speak.  What I told you is our marketing sales pitch. It’s great stuff for people to get all excited about our cause.  We also have the OLD TEACHINGS.”

 

P.: “Old Teachings?”

 

E.: “Yes, like if a man works on Sunday (the sabbath) he should be put to death (Exodus 31:15).  If a woman is assaulted but doesn’t cry out for people to know she’s being attacked then she and her attacker should both be murdered, because we really don’t know if they were willfully fornicating or not. So we kill both of them. (Deut. 22:23-24).  Of course there’s many passages about killing our enemies (Lev. 20:13, Lev. 20:27, Deut. 13: 13-19, Deut. 17:2-5, 2 Chron. 15:12-13). If a son curses his father, he should be killed (Lev. 20:9). Adulterers of course should be killed as well (Lev. 20:10).  If the daughter of the top priest is a fornicator, she should be burned alive (Lev. 21:9)…”

 

P.: “That’s horrible!  I thought you said this is about the love of Jesus?”

 

E.: “Of course it is, I only mention the old teachings because sometimes we go cherry pick verses back there to defend things like our political party affiliation, war, sexual abuse, killing our enemies…”

 

P.: “But Jesus is like the opposite to all of that… Aren’t you violating the teachings of Jesus then?”

 

E.: “Not really.  We have his forgiveness now.  Now we can behave like total asses.  We can scream at women at abortion clinics, jeer at gay people and we get to align with positions of power to force our will… er the will of God… on the land.  I mean we’ll send help and aid to other countries, you know those crap hole countries like Mexico, Iran, Iraq, all those cursed places. So you interested?”

 

P.: “I don’t know, it’s all so confusing.  Is there anything else I should know about?”

 

E.: “Yeah, we also need to to vote Republican.”

 

P.: “I’m registered Democrat… is that bad?”

 

E.: “Oh my GOD.  That is the worst.  You know Democrats are baby killing, Jesus haters.  You will need to repent and switch political affiliation.”  

 

P.: “I thought you said in the old teachings God instructed the killing of children.  How is that any better than being pro-choice?”

 

E.: “You misconstrue the entire speech I gave you.  Of course the old teachings instructed the killing of children and rape of women, but we only pick and choose specific passages from the old teachings, you know when we want to defend something not as bad, like say persecuting witches or gay people.”  

 

P.: “That sounds pretty bad to me…”

 

E.: “Spoken like a true Demoncrat.  Listen up, I can help save your soul but you have to play along here.  Give us a try, in time, you’ll switch to vote Republican and let me assure you, this is actually more important than being a Christian. Republican first, Christian second.   Oh, one more thing, you will need to vote for Trump and support anything he or the party tells us.”

 

P.: “But Trump is like 100% opposite of the teachings of Jesus you told me about… he wants to kick people out, not invite them in. (https://youtu.be/97lWLNX41B8)  He wants to kill our enemies, not love them. (https://youtu.be/WWiaYQUV2oM)… and then there’s all this other…”

 

E.: “Right, I know, he’s not really compatible… right?  It’s confusing for a newcomer, I get it. Think of it this way… we can’t really run a society by the ideas of Jesus.  I mean, Jesus didn’t even want us to get involved with government! (Mat. 22:21) Can you believe that! So sometimes we need to put Jesus back in the cabinet and pull out the old teachings to help us control, conquer and enact God’s will.”  

 

P.: “But isn’t Jesus the will of God?”

 

E.: “I see your confusion.  We find it’s best for Christians to not think for themselves.  We prefer that you listen to Christian television, your evangelical church leaders and the like.  They will be given special knowledge to understand why we must behave contrary to our teachings… People like Lance Wallnau have shown us that Trump is God’s anointed based on a reading of Is. 45… It’s not logical, but it works…. This way we get our powerbase, our powerful leader, we kill our enemies and we can lay back and enjoy our eternal salvation… all at the same time.  Oh, let’s not forget about getting rid of that homeless blight, we have a verse to defend their removal as well (2 Thes. 3:10).”

 

P.: “You sound so two faced. Who falls for this?  You say you love Jesus, you tell me all this positive stuff about Jesus: He loves everyone, he wants us to love our enemies, feed the hungry, let the stranger in, he wasn’t political, he said not to judge others, he wasn’t violent and taught us not to get involved with the things of this world.  I remember reading that he said rich people can’t get to heaven (Mat. 19:24) but you seem obsessed with the wealthy and powerful. All the great things that anyone would want to hear. After I’m almost sold, you switch it up and tell me all the opposite things: hate the enemy, kill their families, not to feed the hungry, to not let the stranger in our borders, to get involved in the things of this world, and you praise the same people Jesus said wouldn’t find heaven.  You quote from the old teachings saying that adulterers should be killed, but then you praise an adulterer and vote them in as your president, but condemn people who are gay by the same old teachings… it’s PSYCHOTIC.”

 

E.: “You sir are judging me.  I’m a WORK IN PROGRESS, how dare you judge the likes of me.  Remember, Judge not, lest you be judged.”

 

P.: “But YOU ARE JUDGING OTHERS!”

 

E.: “Rightly so, the Bible says ‘judge righteous judgement.’” (John 7:24)

 

P.: “WHAT??? It seems you can defend any point you wish from the Bible, don’t you find this confusing?  How do you know you shouldn’t be judged by the condemning passages?”

 

E.: “That’s easy!  Any verse that makes me guilty is not applicable.  Any verse that goes against my ability to control government, gain riches and power is not applicable.  All verses that judge others and condemn them, is applicable. Get it? So now, you ready to repeat your allegence to Jesus?”

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Little Minds, Little God